A central aspect of quality time is togetherness, not simply proximity. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. On the other hand, quality time does not mean we have to spend our waking moments gazing into the starlight of each other's eyes. It means that we are doing something together and giving our full attention to the other person. Quality time can be an activity or a conversation. Quality conversation is a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals share their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly uninterrupted context. Below is a testimony from the book.
I met Patrick when he was 43 and had been married for 17 years. I remember him because his first words were so dramatic. He sat in the leather chair in my office and after briefly introducing himself, he leaned forward and said with great emotion, "Dr. Chapman, I have been a fool, a real fool. I've been married for 17 years and my wife has left me. Now I realize what a fool I've been." I asked the question, "In what way have you been a fool?" "My wife would come home from work and tell me about the problems in her office. I would listen to her and then tell her what I thought she should do. I always gave her my advice. I told her she had to confront the problem. You have to deal with the problem. The next day she would come home and tell me the same things. I would ask if she did what I told her to do and she would say no. So, I'd repeat my advice."
"After 3 or 4 nights of that I would get angry. I would tell her not to expect sympathy from me if she wasn't willing to take my advice. She didn't have to live under that kind of stress and pressure. She could solve the problem if she simply did what I told her. It hurt me to see her living under that kind of stress. The next time she'd bring it up I would tell her I didn't want to hear about it. I would withdraw and go about my business. What a fool I was! Now I realize she didn't want my advice when she told me her struggles, she wanted sympathy. She wanted me to listen, to give her attention, to let her know that I could understand the hurts, stress, and pressure. She waned to know I loved her and was with her. What a fool and now she's gone. I was blind to what was going on and I have failed her."
Who can relate? I know I sure can, I've done it. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. As men, most of us are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. Amen? Amen. Here are a few suggestions written elsewhere, not just this book that can help us really listen.
1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. This keeps your mind from wondering and lets her know she has our attention.
2. Don't listen and do something else at the same time.
3. Listen for feelings...(I know it sounds weird) Ask yourself, "What emotion is she feeling? Then attempt to relate.
4. Observe body language.
5. Refuse to interrupt. Just simply listen. Research shows the average individual listens for 17 seconds before interrupting or injecting their own ideas. (You too ladies) The goal is to discover your spouses thoughts and feelings.
Finally, we have to learn how to talk. Dr Chapman says there are two personality types when it comes to talking. The first is the "Dead Sea" and the other is the "Babbling Brook." The "Dead Sea" receives many experiences, emotions, and thoughts. They have a large reservoir where they store that information and they're perfectly happy not to talk. If you ask a "Dead Sea", "What's wrong, why aren't you talking tonight?" he will probably say "Nothing, what makes you think something is wrong?" That answer would be perfectly honest. The "Babbling Brook" on the other hand...whatever enters the eye or ear comes out the mouth. If no one is home to talk to, they'll call someone to talk to. If you're a "Dead Sea" and you date a "Babbling Brook" you will have a wonderful evening. The "Dead Sea" doesn't have to worry about how to keep the conversation alive and the "Babbling Brook" can talk for hours on end. Both walk away thinking, "Wow, what a wonderful person :)"
Focus on listening to your wife as she's talking. Listen intently and try to relate, ask yourself how or why she may be feeling a certain way. This takes practice. My wife and I have started asking each other to tell the other 3 things about their day. We have to initiate the quality time and conversation because for most of us men, it doesn't come naturally. We're simple. We have to make time for quality time even if it means sacrificing things we love which it certainly does. The saying goes, "If mamma ain't happy, nobody's happy." I agree, but the wonderful thing about putting in the work is that it's reciprocal. The health of our marriage affects every aspect of our lives second to that of our relationship with God. Out of balance in either of those and we're jacked up all over the place perhaps not even realizing it. Reading the book and applying the principles doesn't mean we will never have another bad day or argument. Don't throw in the towel after attempting these things once or twice, put in the work. I am and will, I owe it to God, my wife, and my family.
I have not written this book as an academic treatise to be stored in the libraries of colleges and universtities, although I hope professors of sociology and psychology find it helpful in courses on marriage and life. I have not written to those who are studying marriage, but to those who are married, to those whose have experienced the "In love euphoria", who entered marriage with lofty dreams of making each other happy but in the reality of everyday life are in danger of losing that dream entirely. I dream of a day when the potential of the married couples in this country can be unleashed for the good of humankind. If it were possible I would hand this book personally to every married couple in this country and say, "I wrote this for you. I hope it changes your life. And if it does give a copy to someone else." -Gary Chapman
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| Dr. Gary Chapman seeks to fulfill his call to the ministry as a pastor, speaker, and author. He speaks extensively throughout the U.S. and internationally on marriage, family, and relationships. http://www.garychapman.org/ |
