My real dad committed suicide when I was 7 years old. I don't have to many memories of him, other than him telling us, (I have a brother and a sister) that he loved us all the time. I believe he did. He was 27 years old when he passed, still a young man by today's standards. My father was a single parent, a hard worker, and an alcoholic. Drugs and alcohol were rampid in most of the family, not all but most. My grandfather ended up raising me and my siblings for many years afterwards. (My dad and the grandad I'm speaking of are on two different sides of the family). He instilled my manners in me, mentored me, and genuinely loved me. He was also a godly man, but I'll refrain from saying what denonimantion.
When I turned 18 things started getting ugly within his household and between my mom and her husband. (My mom was his rebel daughter, wild and all over the place). Demons haunted my grandad and eventually talked him into taking the life of my grandmother, my uncle, and then turning the gun on himself. This devistated the family and the community. My grandad was highly respected in the community and in the church. I'll never forget the way he looked a few days before he did it...Demonic is all I can say. He was tormented big time. Most of all, I'll never forget that after my dad passed, he sat us children down and said, "Don't you ever do what your father did." Years later I heard my aunt screaming, "Don't you ever do what your grandafather did."
I remember the day I lost my confidence and when the mental attacks started on my mind. I was a standout pitcher. I remember the coach calling for all pitchers during team tryouts, and I heard a voice say, "You can't pitch anymore. Look at these other guys. They are much better than you. You might as well give up now." Funny things is, I was better than all of them the year before. I believed my first lie and it went down hill from there. Anyway, I was about 15 when I turned my mind over and I carried that stuff with me for 24 more years. The accusations, thoughts of unworthiness, guilt, torment, etc. I couldn't get away from my past. The only way to make it stop was to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol.
I've seen my best friend die in a car crash. I was the passenger and walked away without a scratch. I've lost 2 other close friends to drugs. I've seen it tear apart my family. I know what it's like being a heroin addict. I know what it's like to be suicidal for weeks at a time, believeing it's the best way to go. It's hard to live under constant thoughts of suicide, and having no hope, zilch! You talk about miserable. I know what it's like to lose everything you have and everything you own a couple of times. I know what it's like to watch others succeed and move forward in life while your drowning in your own misery and darkness. Most importantly, I know what it's like to hit rock bottom. And I know who's there for you when it happens... But God! He's the way, the truth, and the life. Rock bottom is exactly the place God needs you to be when His other attempts to get your attention have failed, and it's unfortunately where I had to be. Nobody else will be there for you but Him.
I was living in a chaotic, dark, and nasty cyclone my whole life. I never knew left from right, the truth from a lie, or what true love and peace was. It wasn't until I was set free that I realized how much darkness and mental torment I was in. He had a call on my life throughout it all, but I was never obedient to it. God's mighty hand set me free from everything when I finally turned to Him with my whole heart. He transferred me out of the kingdom of darkness and into the kingdom of His dear Son. This is what I know now...that God called my name before the foundation of the world. My name is written in the Lamb's book of life. God has a purpose and a plan for me and He intends to see it pass! I have broken the curse, and me and my house WILL serve the Lord! I remind the enemy of that occasionally. Greater is He who is in me... Never forget what is on the inside of you, it's priceless. Never forget that the Father Himself drew you to Jesus.We are a spiritual house, with Christ as the cornerstone. The house is Zion! So, I thank the Lord today. For His yoke destroying power, the blood of Jesus which made peace with my God, and His grace and lovingkindness! To God be the glory and here's to 31 more!
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."
-Psalm 138:8
