The Heart of Marriage

How would you rate your marriage? Good, bad, ok? Is it not bad considering...Compared to other people you know? Well, if we're honest most of us would have to say it's nothing like we thought it would be in the beginning, life happily ever after. I know there are life situations and circumstances that affect a healthy marriage, but that's not going to be my focus here. The focus is simply you and your wife's love relationship. Did that make you cringe? If your like me, love talk just turns you off. As a man, I'm not into all that love goo goo and in fact I hardly ever read books on love because well, it's just not manly. Can I get a witness? You may be thinking that's harsh and I have to admit that my perspective has radically changed. Love means something different and is shown differently to us all.

I picked up a book that had been sitting on our bookcase for quite sometime. It's called "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. I laughed at the title as I started flipping through the pages. It didn't take long for me to discover that this book was different. This guy was being completely honest about marriage! Who does that? Over the next few weeks I'm going to share some insights and truths that I learned from the book and have already begun to put into practice. It works! I'm definitely promoting this book, and it's a must read for every man who is married, newly wed or old timer. The principles in this book have the potential to save any marriage no matter the damage that has been done and to breathe new life and passion into your relationship right now. Trust me.

The foundation...

The desire for romantic love is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Almost every popular magazine has at least one article each issue on keeping love alive in marriage. TV, talk shows, radio, etc. Keeping love alive in marriage is serious business. With all the books, magazines, and marriage seminars, how is that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? Not to say those things aren't helpful, but the fundamental truth we have all overlooked is that people speak different love languages. Mr Chapman's conclusion after 20 years of counseling is that there are FIVE basic languages that either the male or female respond to. Five ways that people speak and respond to emotional love. I'll glaze over each of these the next few weeks without giving away the meat and potatoes of the book. 

The most shocking realization I made was that most couples fall out of love shortly after the wedding and in fact can even fall out of love before the wedding. This is because of our high natural emotions that go haywire when we initially fall in love. In fact, as the counselor puts it, this stage should not even be called love. It's a euphoric high that we eventually come down from sooner rather than later. The longest period of the "In Love Euphoria" can last up to two years. As we begin to come down from the high, we realize that we're two individuals with dreams, hopes, and plans, and we gradually start gravitating back towards our individual self. The real work begins once we come down from the high and if done properly our marriage can be full of passion and happiness. More so than the original "In Love Euphoria", because there's also a deep emotional bond.

The negative feelings we have at times towards our spouses are actually pretty natural. The reason is because we aren't being loved ourselves. You may say that I'm way off point here but it's actually true. When we're loved we give love back, that's the way it works. Another piece of wisdom I learned, is that love is a choice, we choose to love. That means doing things we really don't feel like doing. On the flip side, it soon becomes natural and the payoff incredible. Finally, we actually begin to enjoy doing those things that make our spouses feel loved. The languages and techniques in the book are not difficult to apply. Once you learn the love language of your spouse and she learns yours, it's all downhill afterwards. Your eyes are going to be opened and more than likely you'll slap yourself in the face for not seeing this yourself, I promise.

Dr. Gary Chapman seeks to fulfill his call to the ministry as a pastor, speaker, and author. He speaks extensively throughout the U.S. and internationally on marriage, family, and relationships.
http://www.garychapman.org/

When Pride Hurts

Buildings sometimes implode. They collapse, leaving a mess to clean up so the rebuilding process can begin. Comparitively, the same thing happens in our lives from time to time whether it be self inflicted or just part of the natural cycle of life. One thing is for sure, if you're not going through a rebuilding process now, you just came out of one, and if neither of those is the case unfortunately you're headed there. Though the degree and magnitude of the collapse will be a variable, the only hope of recovery we have is to see it all through the lens of a faithful and loving God.

As Christians we have an advantage that other folks do not have. We have experienced salvation, we know that God has a purpose and plan for us, and we have the Word of God to stand on. We don't have the luxury of going backwards or staying idle for a long period of time because as I've said before, God is not interested in us functioning at half or less than half of our full potential. That means He will do whatever is necessary to get our attention and to get us back on the path He destined us to be walking. He may attempt to use the garden snips to prune or He may need to bring out the chainsaw. At worst, the rug can be pulled out from under you so fast that you land on your face.

To the particulars...

As men I wouldn't be going to far out on a limb in saying that our biggest issue is pride. Pride comes in many shapes, sizes, and colors. We don't like to lose at anything. Whether it be a game of Madden NFL 2013 or a friendly game of go fish. We feel the pressure managing the finances for the family, when our children get out of line, and of course in our careers. Those are obvious outward materials that affect our pride. The not so obvious pride creeper, is the wall that erects in our spiritual life. That wall makes us Bible scholars, teachers, arrogant know it alls, unteachable, not willing to take the advice of others, and gradually and eventually weans us away from our Source. This has to be the thing that hardens most hearts of men and the dangerous snare that leads to most downfalls.

Thank God that if your heart is pliable the wall can come down and the rebuilding process can begin. The greatest example of this in the Bible would have to be Peter. The man was so sure that He wouldn't deny Christ. "How could you dare to say such a thing Lord? You know me. I'm the rock."  I'm paraphrasing but you get the point. We know that Peter did in fact deny Jesus. Now, think about that. Denying Jesus after being the greatest Apostle has to be one of the worst implosions and trainwrecks of all time, at least in Peter's mind. The Lord knew how to get Peter's attention and it was needed in order to get Peter back on track and dependent on the Source.

Proverbs 16:18, "Pride leads to destruction, and arrogance to downfall." The downfall usually involves sin. We choose to sin when we attempt to meet our needs apart from God. When we choose to meet our needs apart from God something has gone terribly wrong. If we choose not to acknowledge our sin and take action, it will be done for us. Again, thank God. Faith in Christ brings many new things- a relationship with God, a new spirit, a new outlook on life, but it does not eradicate all traces of our old nature. That is done through intentional devotion, renewing the mind via the Word, and valley experiences.

When we repent of our bad experiences, God uses them to make us stronger, as the case with Peter. He doesn't excuse them or remove the consequences, but He is bigger than our failures. We create some messes, make some mistakes, and commit some sins simply because of our own weaknesses, flaws, or rebellion. Yet God allows us to fall into some because He knows that when we come back, we will be stronger, our perspective will be deeper, and our commitment will be truer. It teaches us something about ourselves and about God. We may fail but we are not failures. Seek God in and through the mess. We all fall short but God is greater still. He will restore and He still has a plan. God is good, His faitful love endures forever.

Transformed

"But let He who boasts boast of this; that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness in the earth: for in these things I delight says the LORD."

-Jeremiah 9:24